Self Esteem

It is funny/sad how an incident from your childhood can still effect you today. I was always one of the bigger kids at my school. You think that fact would have kept me from being teased, but that was not the case. I was teased so much in school that the mere mention of one the perpetrators names can cause me to slip into a mild depression.

Thanks to Facebook I have come across the ghosts of my past. Those little fuckers that caused me so much pain. Seeing their adult faces does not ease the pain. In fact it had me reliving some painful moments. Here is an example.

I was and continue to be a big guy. You know the kid who had to where husky sized jeans. Even though I was the husky kid I was really good at sports. Way above average in the little town I grew up in.

When I was a freshman in high school, I noticed a lot of the popular jocks had t-shirts on that said "200 pound club" or "250 pound club." I asked my football coach what that was about. He told me that you had to bench press that amount of weight three times in his presence to earn the shirt. I thought this might be a great way to accomplish something I could be proud of and have a shirt to prove it.

At the time I was lucky if I could bench press 100 pounds three times. So, I had some work to do. Being on the football team and the track team gave me ample opportunities to hit the weight room. Also, during the summer the weight room would be open three nights a week as long as there was a teacher to supervise.

I hit the weights hard. I was there at every opportunity. I was there so much that the teachers would ask me if I was going to be there so they new if they had to or not. I lifted before school and after practice. During the summer I was there 3 nights a week, every week.

I made it past the 200 and 250 pound club my sophomore year, but I didn't test out because I wanted to achieve what no one else at my school had done - 300 pounds. I figured that would something I can strut around school about. No one could take that from me.

My junior year I fractured my elbow during a football game. That set me back the entire year. It took six months before I could lift without pain. It took another three months to get back to where I left off.

A few months into my Senior year I was ready to see if I could qualify for the 300 pound club. I met my defensive coach (we called him Chief) and another teacher (I can't remember her name) as a witness after school. After the warm up, I lifted 300 pounds three times with relative ease. My coach pushed me into trying a higher weight. In the end I lifted 350 pounds three times. Chief was great. He told me how he appreciated my hard work and that no one in the history of the weight club at our school had earned the 350 shirt.

Of course I was beaming. I was walking on cloud nine. It took a week to get my shirt. When I did I could not wait to wear it to school. The next morning I wore with pride my hard earned trophy. I could not have been any more proud to wear a t-shirt in my life. Unfortunately the first people I come across at school were my tormentors.

After seeing the shirt, they made jokes that the shirt stood for how much I weighed. They proceeded to tease me at high volumes. By lunch time I had withstood a barrage of fat jokes. It was too much for me (remember I have no self esteem.) I drove home at lunch and changed shirts. I threw my newly acquired prize in the trash. Something that took me three years of hard work to earn was rendered a complete failure in ONE morning.

When I went back to school, I hid in the only safe place - the weight room. I missed all my afternoon classes because I could not stand to be around anyone. I just lay on the wrestling mats and stared at the ceiling until I felt it was safe to go home.

I continued to lift and participate in the sports I had left, but I never really got over the 350 pound club and how easy it was to take away.

My Dad

Last Wednesday my dad had surgery on his right shoulder. He injured it when he flipped his riding lawn mower. I don't know how he did that, but he did. It turned out that injury may have saved his life.

While dad was recovering from his shoulder surgery, he suffered a heart attack. Since the surgery took place in a hospital in a small town, they had to fly him via a helicopter to a hospital in Greeley, CO.

After they stabilized him, they discover he had blood clots in all his arteries. They immediately started him on blood thinners, but that caused internal bleeding from his surgically repaired shoulder. After a back and forth with the blood thinners, they were able to stop the bleeding and begin thinning out the blood clots.

I almost lost my dad that day. Thankfully he is out of the woods and may go home today. What a relief. If dad would have been at work or home instead of in a hospital when he suffered the heart attack, he may not have survived. Interesting how an accident in the summer saved his life this fall. I'm grateful.

I Ain't Afraid of No Ghosts

It seems that there are a lot of families out there in which at least one member has a ghost story to tell. It could be as nice as a visit from a beloved grandparent to as creapy as items missing or moving around on their own. My mom and sister both have quite of few stories of the paranormal they have shared with me over the years.

Unexplained encounters has always fascinated me. I love shows about UFOs, bigfoot, and ghosts. Does that make me crazy or weird? I hope not. I am fascinated by the shows because of the possibility that there are things out there that make us question what we already know. I don't know what to believe for sure, but I am willing to look at any proof someone may have.

John Wornall House

Which brings me to a couple of Saturdays ago. I went on a ghost hunt sponsored by a local paranormal group. The house we were investigating was the John Wornall House. I was joined by Queentuffy, Average Jane, and Alex. Alex and I were in the "I want to believe, but I haven't seen enough proof" camp and Queentuffy and Average Jane were the skeptics. I believe every paranormal investigation needs to have skeptics in attendance.

Cassi, Mykala and Val of Premier Paranormal Research

The hunt was organized by the Premiere Paranormal Research Group. They gave us a quick tour of the equipment and we watched a video. Then we were ready to hunt. They split us up into three groups. The four of us I mentioned before were a group with Val as are investigator/teacher. Alex wanted to start in the scariest part of the house first. So, we started upstairs in the kids room. This room was rumored to have the most activity.

We sat in a circle on the floor of the kids room in silent darkness. We had a voice recorder in the center of the circle and an ir camera to gather any evidence. This was by far the coolest part of the night. We sat there waiting for something to happen. Val would ask questions in hopes that any spirit present would interact with us. Of course, nothing happened. The room did not feel creepy and I never felt uncomfortable to whole time.

The Carriage House

We moved around to different areas of the house including the detached garage they called the "Carriage House." Nothing unexplained happened in any of the other areas either. They was a strange light that passed in front of one of the ir cameras stationed in the kitchen. When I looked at the footage, it looked like light coming in when the door was opened. Even though it was clear to me that is was nothing, others in the group were convinced it was paranormal. Queentuffy labeled them "freaks." She may not have been too far off, but I appreciate their desire to see some evidence.

Though nothing paranormal happened (the evidence is still being reviewed) I had a great time. I can't wait to do it again.

Do you have a parnormal story to tell? If so, I would love for you to share it with me.

Tough Year

This has been a tough year for Queentuffy and I. Queentuffy's dad is still fighting cancer (and doing a great job) and earlier this year my mom was diagnosed with Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Luckily both her dad and my mom are doing great. Mom was declared cancer free at her last PET scan and gets here chemo port removed in 2 weeks. Queentuffy's dad is putting on weight and looks and sounds his best since this all started in June 2009.

Financially it was tough because we had to exist as a one income household for about 6 months. It was rough at times, but we made it through. After we become a two income household again, we refinanced the house and have made a few changes to keep things rolling. We could always do more to save money, but somehow we cannot seem to stay focused.

Now for the good news. I just learned today that we are going to get some of the 10% pay cut back. Only 2%, but I will take it. I hope this trend continues. Being back to where we were in 2008 would be great. It will be nice to plan vacations, again. I hope everyone else is feeling as optimistic as I am.

Passion

Queentuffy and I have been catching up on TV shows via DVD. Our latest is Project Runway (don't judge me.) Though I know nothing of fashion, I like the show. When I was a kid, I wanted all my shirts to have numbers on them similar to football jerseys. Yes, I was that fashion forward.

As I mentioned before, I know nothing of fashion and the industry associated. I still find Project Runway fascinating and entertaining. I don't find the clothes or the judges all that interesting. What I do find interesting is the designers. Watching people follow their passion is great TV.

Watching these passionate people gets me thinking about what makes me passionate. That is where the problem begins. I can't think of anything that I am passionate about. The designers on Project Runway have spent many hours per day for many years perfecting this passionate craft. Some of the designers wanted to do nothing else that they struggled to the point of homelessness to keep the dream alive.

I am a person who has many interests. Nothing I would call a passion. In high school I played sports, was an award winning artist, and gear head (I partially restored a '53 Ford.) Since high school I learned to play the drums and was in and out of a few bands. None of these things kept me engaged enough to be passionate about them.

I wonder if life would be better or worse having a dream you are so passionate about that it is all encompassing. I think this kind of passion makes some people's life worth living. But does it have the same affect on everyone. I don't know the answer to that, but I wish I had a passion to follow. I will keep looking. Maybe one day I will find one.

Modern Warfare 2

So, I have found a new obsession Modern Warfare 2. It seems I'm playing every chance I get. That often means playing until way too late at night. Even though I go to bed bleary eyed, I could have played for hours longer.

My favorite aspect of the game is playing online challenges against real people. I'm not much into playing the part of the game that is the story. I'm sure the story is fine, but I like testing my skill against thumb quick youngsters.

I spend most of the game getting out quicked and dying often. I bought the game months after it was released. That put me behind all the other users. I know that is an excuse for all my dying, but that is my story and I'm sticking with it.

So, if you are ever playing Modern Warfare 2 on Xbox Live, invite me (kipkillagin1) to play. You can rack up a lot of points killing me. It's easy.

Toothache Weekend

I couldn't sleep Tuesday night because my one of my teeth was causing me discomfort. So I made an appointment to see my dentist on Wednesday. My dentist thinks that that tooth is abcessing and sent me to a specialist. Unfortunately, I had a deadline at work and could not see the Endodontist until Monday. At the time it didn't seem like a big deal. Until Friday.

Friday morning I woke up and the tooth felt fine. I had a bowl of cereal and headed for work. During my commute the tooth starting hurting. It hurt all day. The only relief I could get was swishing cold water in my mouth and that only works for a short period of time. I forgot my pain medication at home and Queentuffy was gracious enough to bring it to me. I took two vicodin because I was in severe pain. That made me sick to my stomach and went home early from work.

I could not get any comfort. I went to bed after dinner and couldn't sleep. Queentuffy and I got up around 1 am and watched DVRd American Idol episodes (don't judge us.) I took some more vivodin and tried to go to sleep. Finally at 4 am we decided to go to the emergency room.

The er doc gave me a shot to deaden the pain. That was great. We finally got some sleep after 5 am. I slept until about noon and got up because I was hungry. I had another bowl of cereal. Soon after the tooth started hurting again. I quickly showered and went and had the prescription the er doc gave me filled. I took two percosets and hoped for the best. Another hour passed and I took a third percoset.

We almost went back to the er because nothing was working. Finally the percosets made me sleepy. I went to bed at 3:30 in the afternoon. I slept until 9:30 the next morning. The good news is my tooth doesn't hurt as bad. I think it was the cold of the cereal causing the problem.

Monday I will probably have a root canal. Normally I wouldn't be this excited about having a hole drilled in my tooth, but this is going to be such a relief. I can't wait.